What to Do in an Uncomfortable Relationship During COVID-19
This has been heavy on the hearts of us here at SheHopes this week. In all of the chaos of isolation and sheltering in place, home is sometimes not the safest place. In fact, sometimes it can feel like the most dangerous place to be.
Maybe your it feels like you are constantly walking on eggshells. Maybe their words hit you like a slap to your heart. Maybe their check your phone. If only you hadn’t made them so angry… Maybe they said those bruises would never happen again. Maybe you don’t cry out so your children don’t know what is happening behind your bedroom door. Or maybe you are a kid yourself trying to keep the peace - being the strength and stability for your younger brothers and sisters.
If any of these words ring true in your own heart, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You are SEEN. You are LOVED. And YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Statistics show that 1 out of every 3 people around the world have been in your very same shoes. As hopeless as it all may feel right now - we want to take a minute and share a few things with you that might help.
SheHopes’ very own Jenny Helms, LMFT and owner of Soma Therapy shared these excellent tips with us: (Click here to watch her video)
1. If in imminent danger, reach out to Wichita Family Crisis (1-316-267-SAFE) or Harbor House (1-316-263-6000). They can likely still help people get space in hotels; they are also still available via phone/internet chat.
2. If safe, try to work on having grace with yourself and working on secondary trauma, like ensuring that if a loved one treats you poorly to not make meaning that it is about your inherent worth (how pretty, smart, talented, wealthy, etc.) you are. That abuse can happen to anyone.
3. Grace that right now may not be the time to work on your sense of self, setting boundaries, or being a "super" person. It may be better to table working on these things until you are in a safer environment with better resourcing.
4. Reach out if you can do so safely to support groups online, emotionally safe friends, and a tele-therapist if your plan covers it/it's affordable.
5. Grace again, because it is so important that we work on trying not to shame ourselves or criticize ourselves because we are simply trying to survive.
6. If you have the energy, try practicing building self respect in ways that are safe, including: writing 5 things you are proud of yourself for that you did today, respond back (after the fact) in ways that honor your inner voice via notebook or in your head and acknowledge that you have this voice/self respect even when it's not safe to voice out loud, and remind yourself daily of the things you like about yourself/your strengths, reframe survivorship as a source of resilience -- because it really is.
Other advice from other members of our SheHopes family who have walked this path before:
If a situation is escalating, try to move into safer area of the house that is away from weapons.
Try to spend time outside while still practicing safe social distancing. Getting fresh air and providing some physical space might help to deescalate the living situation.
Turn to a trusted friend, neighbor, or family member OUTSIDE of your house and ask them to contact 911 for you if there in an emergency. Perhaps even try to set up code words so they know if/when to take action.
If you are feeling overwhelmed with anxiety - Look around you, find 5 things you can SEE, 4 things you can TOUCH, 3 things you can HEAR, 2 things you can SMELL, and 1 thing you can TASTE. This will help you stay grounded in the present
Breathe. Take this one day, one hour, one moment, one breath at a time.
Remember to give yourself GRACE during this time - and remember that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
Here’s to health, safety, and above all - HOPE…
With love,
~ The SheHopes Team