When You Feel Alone...
Dearest Friend,
I see the hurt in your eyes as you try so hard to be strong. I hear you convincing yourself and others that everything is okay. I watch you hiding behind the mask of having it all together, when you really feel helpless and with no way out. I know that you feel invisible. I know that you wouldn't dream of speaking up, but please know that you are not alone in this. I see you because I see myself in you...
...
I love you, but...
I never said that...
You're crazy. I never did that to you...
You must be remembering it wrong...
You brace for the words you know are coming as he embarrasses you in public again. He must not realize how much it stings. He's only teasing. You take things too seriously, he tells you. You feel yourself harden as layer after layer of his words threaten to squeeze the life out of your once tender heart.
You try to explain it all away - He doesn't mean to be so critical. He just had a hard day. He's under so much stress. If you hadn't been so dumb. If only you hadn't messed up. You start to question your own reality.
You try so hard, but somehow he knows just what to say to make you feel smaller and smaller until you hardly exist at all.
...
Nothing is ever good enough. Life with him means walking on eggshells. You try so hard to please him, but you find yourself always coming up short. You try to brush it off when you're with others, always covering and making excuses for him. He's just particular. He works so hard, but you'll try harder.
So much of your life is wrapped up in him. You feel like you don't deserve him or the life he's given you. You don't remember what life was like without him.
You've never done anything even remotely untrustworthy, but he seems to be jealous for no reason. It's like he doesn't trust you. He's just being protective, you tell yourself. You always feel like you've done something wrong, but you're not even sure what it is that you feel guilty about anymore.
...
He seemed so eager to meet your friends and family in the beginning, almost desperate to impress them. You're not quite sure how it happened, but gradually things have changed. He says they're trying to drive a wedge between you. They just don't understand him like you do. You feel so torn. Of course you love him, but you're starting to feel smothered and you'd give anything for just a tiny breath of air.
When you do get out of the house, it feels like he's checking up on you. You don't want to hurt his feelings or make him angry, but why can't you have just this little bit of time for yourself? You explain it away to your friends - He's just being protective. He just misses you. But when you get home, you will still feel guilty. The next time your friends invite you out, you might say no. It's just not worth it.
...
You feel your cheeks burn as you ask him for money. He tells you where and when you can go shopping, and even checks your receipts when you come home. He says he's making sure you aren't wasting his money.
You feel guilty for even questioning him, but it just doesn't make sense. You thought the two of you would be a team, but now you can't shake this horrible feeling that you're more like a doormat or a helpless child than a partner.
...
You don't even want to bother with dressing up today. You're really tired of his questions when you try to look nice. You just want to feel a little better about yourself, but he asks who you're trying to impress.
You think about the clothes that he won't let you wear. You would love to feel pretty and stylish again, but now it doesn't feel like you even have a style.
You envy the women who talk about shopping or self-care, but you feel like you don’t deserve it yourself. You want to treat yourself to a much-needed visit to the hairdresser. She’s such a good listener, but he says you get sassy when you cut your hair. You like how you feel when you make an effort to look nice, but maybe it’s better to not rock the boat too much.
...
You thought things would be different. You don't like going to church alone, but you wish he'd at least stop making hurtful comments. You hate feeling like you have to balance your relationship with him and your faith. This is important to you. Why can't he understand that?
He found a way to use religion to make you feel beneath him. You work so hard to be a good and obedient wife, but still you never measure up.
Or maybe he won't let you go and worship at all and a little piece of you crumbles as you fight back the guilt and shame deep inside.
...
He said he was sorry... You gently run your finger over the bruise. He said he didn't mean to. He promised it would never happen again...
...
You've slowly put the pieces together. Hurt and angry tears threaten to fall as you feel crushed by more overwhelming waves of guilt. You're not enough for him. Not pretty enough. Not sexy enough. It's just a guy thing. You hate it - all of those images invading his eyes and your relationship. You think to yourself, At least he's not cheating on me... So why does your heart feel like it’s breaking a little more each day?
…
You know something is not right, but you don’t want to believe it. The way he responds when you ask about his day. The hushed call that you weren’t supposed to overhear. The way he reacted when you touched his phone. The weekend work trip when something didn’t feel quite right. The way he smells when he crawls into bed in the middle of the night. Then the intimate photos and texts on his phone that confirm that the nagging suspicion and your worst nightmare has come true.
Your stomach drops. Your heart stops. You are not enough.
...
Does he even hear you say no? Does he see the tears falling down your cheeks? Does he even care?
You long to feel safe - to be held tenderly, and not held down. To be caressed, and not fondled. To make love, and not feel violated on the most intimate and vulnerable level. The dark, far away look in his eyes says that he doesn't really see you. You know about the gun underneath his side of the bed. You think of your sleeping children. You squeeze your eyes shut, forcing out the world around you, and numbing yourself to what is happening. You are paralyzed. Unable to move, unable to fight back - you temporarily leave your own body. You wait outside yourself - almost hovering above yourself - in the darkness for it to be over.
Frightened, your mind races as you roll over and wait for him to fall asleep. This isn't how it was supposed to be. You feel dirty. Used. You can feel your heart actually breaking into a million pieces. A thought begins to form in the back of your mind, but you force it away before you can say it. This is not a stranger in a dark alley. It’s not rape if you love him, if he’s your husband - right?
...
You watch as he battles his demons. You pick him up when he falls. You drag him to bed to sleep it off. Once again you'll make excuses to cover for him. You've tried to get him the help he needs, but nothing seems to stick. He needs you. You're afraid of what he'll do if you ever leave...
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And we can’t stress this enough - if you are in a relationship where someone is hurting you physically or sexually, PLEASE SEEK SAFETY. Chances are that if those are happening to you, then you can relate to the other stories, too. We beg of you to take your children and find a shelter or safe house where you can get help. Call the police or find a shelter. They are here to protect you, but they can’t help if you don’t reach out. It doesn’t matter what he said in the past. If it has happened once, studies show that it WILL HAPPEN AGAIN - and we just can’t bear the thought of one of you, our precious friends, getting hurt again…or worse.
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One in every three of the women and girls around the world have been the victims of violence. We see this here in America, and we hear these same stories from women and girls all around the world. If it has not happened to you, we guarantee that it has happened to someone you love - a mother, a sister, a teacher, a friend. If someone opens up to you about their own story - there are things that you can do to help. Be a shoulder to cry on. Hold her hand as she talks to the police or a physician. Grieve with her. Listen. It is a sacred honor to hold space for one another.
If any part of this is your story, Precious Friend, we want so much to give you a big hug and tell you that you don’t have to walk through this by yourself. If any of these resonate in your own life, please know that we are right here with you all over the world – a human chain on women who are holding your hand. This is the story our journeys – the darkest moments of our lives, our brokenness, finding a strength we never knew we had, and HOPE – wild and beautiful HOPE for the future.
This is the heart behind what we do here at SheHopes - telling our sisters here at home and around the world to please remember this…
You are seen. You are loved. You are not alone. And you are WORTH FIGHTING FOR.
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RAINN: 1.800.656.HOPE (4673)
National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1.800.799.SAFE (7233)
Men Can Stop Rape: Mencanstoprape.org